When most people get upset and experience a meltdown, they usually don’t think about the repercussions. They don’t stop to think, “What will happen to my relationship if I yell at my partner?”
Yelling in anger is never good, and if there are children present, loud arguments can be traumatizing for them. If you choose to get openly angry with a coworker, it could be grounds for dismissal. Unfortunately, these thoughts usually come up only after the egregious deed has been done.
We have to learn that, although anger is a natural impulse, it has to be controlled. If you let it get out of hand, chances are you will ruin a relationship of some kind, and you won’t feel very good about yourself. Many people get hurt by an argument that they themselves have started.
We know that children will act out to get attention because, to them, even negative attention is still attention. And yes, we supposed grown-ups do the same thing. You’d think that by now, we would have figured out that putting out negative energy is the best way to get it returned, so why don’t we try something else?
If you look at the potential aftermath before you vent, it will give you some insight and, hopefully, the willpower to pull back and rethink before you go off on someone or break something. By thinking first, you could avoid having to clean up a big mess.
A friend tells the story of once becoming so angry after recalling a long-forgotten issue that she picked up a jar of grape jelly and was about to throw it. Suddenly, she realized that she’d end up having to wipe the Welch’s from the wall and decided to throw a pillow instead. It worked, she avoided a sticky ending, and she was able to laugh at herself and dissipate the anger as well.
Thinking first and finding an alternative to letting loose at something or someone is going to save you a ton of grief. Most of us know this, but in the heat of the moment, we sometimes forget. Our powerful brains are shut down by rage and righteousness, as the blood rushes to our heads when we have those strong emotions. Then we act before thinking, and that’s when the regret starts to get recognized.
If this is a habit you engage in, the thing to do is to start training yourself to go into problem-solving mode as soon as you feel any anger. Stop what you are doing, look at what is going on around you and listen to your adult self before taking any action.
Making this course correction could save your relationship and perhaps precious objects from being destroyed. You will also be giving yourself a great gift because holding on to anger or having it simmer just below the surface is no way to live.
By thinking about the aftermath, you won’t go down a path of pain.
Barton Goldsmith, Ph.D., is an award-winning psychotherapist and humanitarian. He is also a columnist, the author of eight books and a blogger for PsychologyToday.com with more than 28 million readers. He is available for video consults worldwide. Reach him at barton@bartongoldsmith.com. His column appears Sundays and Tuesdays in the News-Press.
