I admit to being a hopeless romantic, with all its ups and downs. I may be setting myself up for heartache, but no matter the cost, as the song says, my heart will go on.
I will forever believe in and nurture my relationships. Yes, there are rough patches — sometimes it seems like you just jump from one to another. Sex always has its own set of issues and sometimes it’s even used as a weapon to garner power with a partner. But a committed couple can work through these problems.
Yes, love and commitment can be scary, and I don’t even go to scary movies. So why on earth would I pursue something that, according to numerous statistics, half the time doesn’t work? If your car wouldn’t start, you would have it towed to the shop, right? But if it wouldn’t start 50 percent of the time, you’d probably dump the car. I get why it makes sense (for some) to avoid getting involved, because too many relationships don’t work out for the long term.
Still, millions of others (myself included) are not down on love. We slog through differing bodily changes, financial insecurities, miscommunications and inappropriate moods just so that we can rest in the comfort of each other’s arms. And I firmly believe it’s worth the sacrifice.
I would not consider “settling,” but I do think that one needs to accept what could be called a “good enough” relationship instead of looking for perfection. You will never find it in another human being. You have to be willing to compromise or even let go of whatever is causing you to be too picky. If not, love will pass you by. Remember, there is more than one soul mate for each of us.
If you meet a really nice person, one who cares for you, is attractive enough, smart enough and works hard enough, then you can stop looking. I know too many people who face each day with sadness because they can’t hook up with a rock star or a supermodel. People who must have these characteristics in a mate usually end up alone or constantly dissatisfied.
So here’s my advice. Be sure that the qualities you seek are ones that will stand the test of time. Looks fade, money evaporates and you don’t really want to party as much as you think you do. Look for someone who shares your values and communicates well and who will have your back.
Lastly, I don’t think you can expect to find one person to meet all your needs. You must learn to take care of yourself in some ways. Burdening your partner with having to fulfill your every desire will burn him or her out.
If you want a relationship, finding it will be much easier if you keep your expectations in line and focus on finding someone who shares your desire for peace and harmony. When someone touches your heart and also has goodness inside them—now that could be relationship material.Barton Goldsmith, Ph.D., is an award-winning psychotherapist and humanitarian. He is also a columnist, the author of eight books and a blogger for PsychologyToday.com with more than 28 million readers. He is available for video consults worldwide. Reach him at barton@bartongoldsmith.com. His column appears Sundays and Tuesdays in the News-Press.
