Connection isn’t about sex or taking long walks on the beach.
It is about knowing that you have your partner’s undivided attention when you are speaking with one another. It also means that you feel each other’s moods and are able to help the person you love move from a negative place to a positive one, just by reminding him or her that you two have a deep heart connection.
Creating this behavior is easier than you might think, but it does require that you make time to build and maintain the connection you both desire. With our busy lives and the world spinning at speeds above infinity, remembering to put some time aside to cherish the one you love can be a bit of a challenge. But it is totally worth it.
There is a wonderful exercise that can help you both develop a deeper connection. I have used this with hundreds of couples, and though at first it can make you feel a little squirmy, it is very heartwarming and inspirational.
Step 1: Begin by sitting where you can face each other and touch knees. Hold hands and look into each other’s eyes. Breathe together to increase your connection.
Now look at each other deeply and just remember what it is that you love about this person. This is beneficial because it will help you be more appreciative of and take in the little things your partner does and how your partner makes you feel.
Step 2: Take your time to absorb what you are feeling, and don’t be surprised if a few tears come to your eyes or if you feel a little anxious. It’s all part of the process.
You may experience feeling several different emotions simultaneously. This is perfectly normal and will let you know the areas you need to talk about. Give yourselves a moment or two to absorb your thoughts and feelings.
Step 3: Share what you love about your partner and have him or her share what it is that he or she loves about you. Just that little moment and those few words can make the two of you feel reconnected and make your relationship feel whole again. Again, this isn’t a race. Take your time and allow yourselves to feel the love that is coming to you.
Think of it as a spoken love letter. (You can write one as well.)
I recommend that couples do this exercise every day for a few weeks to ensure the connection and deepen their love for one another. Couples who have a strong connection can handle most of what life throws at them because they know they are facing their problems together, and this is deeply affirming. A strong connection will give you greater strength, and your ability to deal with any issue will also increase.
The behavior of connection is something that, once you create it and get used to it, will come naturally. It also becomes something you look forward to and will miss if it stops, so once you get the process started, it’s important to continue the pattern.
Barton Goldsmith, Ph.D., is an award-winning psychotherapist and humanitarian. He is also a columnist, the author of eight books and a blogger for PsychologyToday.com with more than 34 million readers. He is available for video consults worldwide. Reach him at barton@bartongoldsmith.com. His column appears Saturdays and Mondays in the News-Press.
