Editor’s note: The News-Press has not called a winner in the presidential race. And the following is a satire by the writer.
President-elect Joe Biden announced today that his first task upon taking office will be to create a Mask Force, a police force to enforce mask usage.
“My first act upon taking the office of president of the United States,” he said in a closely controlled news conference, “will be to create a Mask Police Force to enforce mask usage.”
This instantly created a buzz among the media who were clearly hanging onto his every word. Hands shot up all over the room. Mr. Biden ignored them, obviously consulting his teleprompter for his next statement.
“I have decreed that all U.S. citizens are to wear their COVID-19 masks 24 hours a day, everywhere and in all circumstances,” he said, pointing to one of the most insistent reporters.
“Sir, how do you propose this new force will enforce your new ruling?”
Mr. Biden for a moment clearly looked confused, but immediately stared into his teleprompter. There was a moment of silence.
“They will closely monitor the public and issue citations to anyone not wearing a mask.”
More hands shot up.
“Sir, there are 350 million Americans, approximately, some in remote locations. How will this force monitor them all?”
Mr. Biden’s eyes went blank, and he peered into the monitor. “Uh, my loyal force will use their cell phones to photograph those without masks and send them immediately to the local Mask Force Facility, which will send out law enforcement officers. Those citizens in remote locations will be monitored by satellite and drones. Some of the drones will be very small.”
More hands shot up from reporters who had evidently not been briefed to refrain from asking the new president-elect “hard” questions. These had ignored the handout of “approved questions” to be asked of Joe.
“Sir, what will be the penalty for violation of the law?”
Mr. Biden again peered into the monitor, but at that moment Secret Service agents appeared out of the wings of the news conference room and surrounded the reporters. A moment’s silence ensued.
“Sir, what is your favorite color?” Sir, what sandwich do you eat for lunch? Sir, do you like dogs?”
One evidently extremely dense individual asked, “Sir, how do you propose to fund this new Mask Force?
He was quickly escorted out of the room, but Joe peered into his monitor.
Somehow, the teleprompter had malfunctioned.
The author is a Goleta resident.