Bereavement expert gives advice on experiencing Valentine’s Day after losing a loved one
“Allow yourself to grieve, feel emotions and go through the process,” Michael Cruse of Hospice of Santa Barbara advises people experiencing Valentine’s Day today without a loved one that they lost.
Today is the day for heart-shaped candies, chocolates, stuffed animals and bouquets of roses. It is a day meant to celebrate loving someone and being loved.
However, for those grieving a lost loved one, holidays such as Valentine’s Day may bring up difficult emotions and memories of a romantic partner who has passed away.
“It is always important to experience sorrow, pain or difficulty and allow that sensation to move through you and surround yourself with people you love,” Michael Cruse, a licensed clinical social worker and bereavement service manager for Hospice of Santa Barbara , told the News-Press.
“Do the activities that give you meaning and comfort,” Mr. Cruse said.
“Often these are activities experienced with a spouse. Grief is a double-edged sword of sorrow and joy. In order to experience joy, you have to tolerate and regulate the sorrow.
Those who lost a loved one can experience a variety of emotions on Valentine’s Day, and it is natural to feel overwhelmed, lost, confused, angry, guilty and sad.
“People have difficult times during the course of the year, which depends on how that relationship was defined,” Mr. Cruse said. “Valentine’s Day is a source of association of sorrow, for those who made this day important in their relationship. The big ones are Thanksgiving and Christmas because they are heavy family days, followed by the anniversary and birthday. For Valentine’s Day, it depends on the significance of that day to the couple.”
Mr. Cruse spoke to how those close to the widow/widower can help them to feel less alone during these difficult times. “Start by asking them what they need, give them offers to not be alone, such as a dinner invitation. People are reluctant to ask or burden others. It is important to invite them. Also, invite reminiscence, and don’t be afraid of the tears.”
The News-Press asked Mr. Cruse how those who work in assisted living facilities or other long-term care facilities can help their residents feel less alone.
“People in residential care are frequently not with full cognition, and their grasp on the subject can be tenuous,” he said. “Long-term care facilities have an activities director who structures activities that help their residents recapture the past or the relationship they had. These activities are designed to make them feel better. Oftentimes family can be included in these activities as well.”
“I would say that the only way you can mess up bereavement is to fail to do it. You have to tolerate and regulate the difficult emotions that go with it,” Mr. Cruse said. “It’s a transformative experience, and you have to allow it to take you on a journey. You are in pain because you love, not because you are doing it wrong. Allow yourself to grieve, feel emotions and go through the process. Share that process with someone; suffering needs a witness.”
email: kzehdner@newspress.com
TIPS FOR DEALING WITH LOSS
Hospice of Santa Barbara offers several tips for coping with the loss of a loved one:
— Journaling is a great tool for exploring complex emotions. Writing in a journal can relieve anxiety and help process thoughts and feelings. Benefits of journaling include reduced stress, increase in problem-solving abilities, and improved sleep. Journaling can provide therapeutic value through the expression of thoughts and emotions, freely and honestly.
— Practicing self-care and engaging in activities that bring comfort and joy is important during this challenging time. Order takeout from your favorite restaurant, spend time with a friend or family member, or go for a nice stroll around the neighborhood. Remember to be kind and compassionate to yourself. Healing takes time.
— Reaching out to family, friends or a support group can be beneficial. You can reminisce about fond memories or share photos of your special someone. It may also be helpful to connect with others who are also grieving or understand your situation. Local support groups, such as your local hospice, can provide helpful resources on bereavement.
— Finding a way to honor your loved one is a great way to channel positive energy during a difficult time. A good starting point is to ask, “How would my loved one like to be remembered?” You can volunteer at their favorite charity, donate to a local organization, or plant a tree in their memory. Remember that it’s OK to do things differently this year, and it’s OK to not celebrate if it feels too hard. For more information about Hospice of Santa Barbara, including volunteer opportunities, call 805-563-8820 or visit www.hospiceofsantabarbara.org.
