“ARREST WARRANT ISSUED FOR VLADIMIR PUTIN BY INTERNATIONAL CRIMINAL COURT OVER UKRAINE WAR”
The world just became a much smaller place for Mad Vlad.
This warrant specifically pertains to the kidnapping of Ukraine’s children and transporting them to Russia for adoption into foster families and “re-education.” (Can you imagine if this happened to your children?)
Other indictments will follow.
Poisonous Putin is now subject to arrest in multiple countries. Only Monaco, which has so far evaded the sanctioning of Russian oligarchs, would likely protect him in Europe — so long as he pays off the palace pirates.
Dmitry (“Drunkard”) Medvedev, deputy chair of Russia’s Security Council, referred to the warrant as toilet paper and, indeed, it seems appropriate that toilet paper may one day lead to this chronic crapper’s arrest. The Drunkard also threatened to launch a hypersonic missile at The Hague, “so look carefully at the sky,” he warned. (Another quart of Stoli, Dmitry?)
Meanwhile, Vlad continues to hide out in his closeted cowardice quarters (dispatching doppelgangers to public events) and is whispered to be privately “devastated” by the indictment.
He must also be held to account for the hundreds of thousands of Russian soldiers whose deaths he has caused in pursuit of egoistic Yertle the Turtle imperialism.
Russian armed forces: 165,713 dead.
Russian private military force: 53,492 dead.
Russian Guard: 7,144 dead.
Total: 226,349 dead.
This has resulted in hundreds of thousands of unhappy widows, children, mothers and fathers — all of whom will all be happy to see Mr. Putin account for the loss of their loved ones.
“’SCARFACE OLIGARCH’ WHO SOLD HARRY & MEGHAN THEIR HOME FOR $14.7 MILLION DIES IN MOSCOW”
Our own Montecito Russian oligarch, Sergey Grishin, is the latest in a growing number of mystery deaths, believed to be Putin hits in retaliation for criticizing his war on Ukraine.
Cause of death at age 56: “Circulatory problems in his brain.”
Sergey was nicknamed “Scarface Oligarch”after he bought (in 2008) the Montecito mansion where Al Pacino filmed the 1983 cult movie, “Scarface” (not because his third wife, Anna Fedoseeva, once beat him up and, well… scarred his face).
He made his money by committing, he said, “the largest bank fraud scheme ever,” gleefully proclaiming that he almost brought about the collapse of the Russian banking system.
Why stomach-turning Sergey returned to Russia when he was “under fire by the criminal world of Russia and by top government officials of Russia too” (he said) is anyone’s guess.
Maybe he missed borscht and braised cabbage.
“LAWYER WARNS PRINCE HARRY’S DRUG USE COULD THREATEN HIS U.S. VISA AFTER HE ADMITTED TAKING COCAINE, CANNABIS & MAGIC MUSHROOMS IN HIS MEMOIR & TV INTERVIEWS”
Should-a been damned if he did (visa disqualification) but now damned if he didn’t (lying on a visa application is grounds for deportation).
Harried Harry just doesn’t seem to understand that you can’t have it both ways. You don’t get privacy if you turn yourself into a public figure with a book and media appearances, and you don’t get to remain royal if you renounce your royal workload, your family and your homeland.
“AMERICANS HEAD TO EUROPE FOR THE GOOD LIFE ON THE CHEAP”
It’s not just blue state tax-burdened residents running to red states. Americans in record numbers are fleeing to Europe, especially Portugal, the new go-to (used to be Prague in the Czech Republic) where “the weather is pleasant, the lunches are long” and the cost-of-living is a breath of fresh air compared to the ever-inflationary U.S.
“CDC BOUGHT ACCESS TO AMERICANS’ PHONE LOCATION DATA TO MONITOR COMPLIANCE WITH SOCIAL DISTANCING & MORE”
I sincerely hope the CDC discovered that I was NEVER in compliance with their ridiculous lockdown, social distancing and mask policies.
I flew to Whitefish, Mont., where restaurants and bars were open and life went on as normal.
And despite Gov. Gruesome’s travel ban, I drove to Prescott, Ariz., where life went on as normal.
And I flew to Portland, Ore., where everything was locked down except “Defund the Police” morons who amassed in the streets I strolled.
And I set up my own table and chairs outside a restaurant on Coast Village Road in Montecito so I could enjoy my “to go” on-site with others despite someone wanting to sic the police on us. Although this person waited for over an hour, no cops ever showed. Perhaps they had more important things to do than enforce California’s autocratic and hypocritical governor’s mandate.
Only sheeple comply with irrational, politically motivated authority based on fabricated facts.
And sorry to say, this country is full of them.
“BILL MAHER TORCHES SAN FRANCISCO’S ‘CRAZY’ REPARATIONS PLAN: ‘THIS IS MADNESS’”
Five million dollars for each black resident? Plus forgiveness on mortgages and credit card debt?
This is beyond madness, not to mention reckless, stupid, inequitable and utter total nonsense — especially in a state that never allowed slavery.
As U.K. columnist John Junor used to write, “Pass the sick bag, Alice.”
“CNN ANCHOR ERIN BURNETT ADMITS EVIDENCE OF CHINESE MONEY TO BIDENS ‘DOESN”T LOOK GOOD’”
Not only doesn’t it “look good.” It ISN’T good.
It is bad, very bad. And reminds me of my column “A Rafter of Turkeys” over Thanksgiving 2021 when I reported the shenanigans of many Biden family members.
Under Joe Biden’s presidency, the United States has come to resemble the widespread dysfunction and corruption of his own kooky clan.
“It’s not true,” Joe says, referring to hard evidence that members of his family received more than million dollars from China (the first of many transactions to be uncovered).
Truth is, Joe wouldn’t recognize the truth if it slapped him across the face.
“KATHY HOCHUL’s PLAN TO FORCE NYC SUBURBS TO APPROVE MORE HOUSING SPARKS BATTLE”
Smart people wanted Mario’s little boy, Andrew Cuomo, out of the New York governor’s mansion. But be careful what you wish for. Because New York now has Princess Momby from “Return to Oz.”
Kind of like wanting Joe Biden to give up his pretense of being mentally sound (not to mention honest) and turning the White House over to the cackling Kamel. (Can anyone possibly imagine her up against Vladimir Putin and Xi Jinping?)
“CLEANLINESS SEXIST & RACIST”
Professor Jenna Drenten of Loyola University (Chicago) declares that “cleanliness” should be canceled.
No, this is not an April Fool’s prank.
Writes Prof Drenten: “Cleanliness has historically been used as a cultural gatekeeping mechanism to reinforce status distinctions based on a vague understanding of ‘niceness’: nice people with nice yards, in nice houses, make for nice neighborhoods. What lies beneath this anti-messiness, pro-niceness stance is the history of classist, racist and sexist social structures.”
Chuckle, oink, barf.
“ELIZABETH WARREN CALLS FOR FEDERAL RESERVE SYSTEM PROBE & BLAMES WEAKENING REGULATIONS AFTER SILICON VALLEY BANK IMPLOSION”
I have never been a fan of Sen. Warren, D-Mass., but she is absolutely correct: Our nation’s banking system is little more than a legalized Ponzi scheme and should be thoroughly investigated, though this will never happen due to the overwhelming influence of bankers, their lobbyists and paid-off politicians.
Ask yourself: Why are many national and international (supposedly) solvent banks scurrying around like banshees to absolve regional involvement banks of their sins (gross mismanagement and disregard for their depositors)? Why should they be so concerned about the financial health of their competitors? Because the big boys are frightened of contagion, from which they are not immune.
When it comes to bankers, their first tactic always is to plead for a government (taxpayer) bailout. And if they get it, their executives celebrate by awarding themselves huge bonuses (your money). But if that fails (as it should) their mantra becomes “all for one, one for all,” lest their house of cards comes crumbling down, and we the people (mostly sheeple) discover, to our detriment, that our financial emperor has neither clothes nor the money we entrusted to their safekeeping.
A run on banks is rhythmical, not isolated. Always keep enough cash on hand to see yourself through bank crises.
“STEVEN SEAGAL TO HELP SET UP INTERNATIONAL PRO-RUSSIA MOVEMENT” and “RUSSIA RECRUITS STEVEN SEAGAL TO TEACH MARTIAL ARTS TO ITS SOLDIERS”
For those who missed it, here is part of what we penned about scumbag Seagal last September:
Known for his macho action movies in which Russians are the bad guys, macho actor Steven Seagal is reported to be best buds with Russia’s murderous dictator, Vladimir Putin.
Seems a stretch for someone who proclaims himself an ardent Buddhist in addition to having been a super-patriotic law enforcement groupie. Over a decade ago, Mr. Seagal, now 70, was sworn in as a “reserve deputy chief” with the Jefferson Parish Sheriff’s Office in Louisiana until he was forced to resign over an internal affairs investigation. What followed was a $1 million lawsuit filed by his employee, swimsuit model Kayden Nguyen, who accused him of groping her in addition to sex trafficking.
Steven also joined a “posse” (civilian force) belonging to Sheriff Joe Arpaio of Maricopa County, Arizona (“on loan from Louisiana,” he claimed, denied by JPSO). And he starred in his own A&E reality TV series, “Steven Seagal: Lawman.” (The sexual abuse complaint and his subsequent resignation brought that series to a halt.)
Taking part in a cockfighting bust on behalf of Sheriff Joe, Mr. Seagal, full of bravado and comically costumed in SWAT gear, drove a tank into the house of Jesus Llovera — and killed the family puppy dog. (It resulted in another lawsuit).
And what happened to the roosters “saved” by Mr. Seagal?
The lot of them — euthanized.
Yet, despite his love of law enforcement, this Aikido-trained actor (who made a 1998 movie called “The Patriot”) is buddy-buddy with the Russian dictator — a friendship that remains strong even after Russia’s brutal invasion of Ukraine.
In November 2016, by presidential decree, poisonous Putin bestowed a Russian passport (and thus citizenship) upon seamy Seagal. Their bond is said to be a mutual love of Japanese martial arts — though what they truly have in common is narcissism.
Mr. Seagal has also ingratiated himself with the world’s second most brutal dictator, Alexander Lukashenko of Belarus, who, Steven says, he had “long dreamed of meeting.”
As Vlad Putin’s No. 1 Stooge, Mr. Lukashenko rules with an iron fist, routinely murdering his political opponents and allowing Russian forces along its southern border to stage attacks on Ukraine.
A few years ago Mr. Seagal ran afoul of the U.S. government, specifically, the Securities and Exchange Commission, for “unlawfully touting a digital asset offering.”
Translation: As “brand ambassador” for a company for Bitcoin 2Gen, Steven publicly endorsed and promoted their digital investment product without disclosing that he received payment from the company that ultimately defrauded investors of $11.4 million. (Like the title of his 1988 movie, maybe Mr. Seagal thought he was “Above the Law.”)
The actor has also had run-ins with the IRS, which over the years has slapped liens on his various properties.
Mr. Seagal “settled” the SEC case for $330,000. But now the actor is delinquent in his payments, having coughed up only $75,000, perhaps explaining why he skipped out of the country and now, after selling his 5,329-acre Montague, Calif. (Shasta Valley) ranch, has exiled himself, his wife, Erdenetuya (from Mongolia), and 12- year-old son, Kunzang, to be near his putrid pal Putin in Moscow.
The four-times-married Mr. Seagal — cited by “Saturday Night Live” cast members as the worst host they ever had — is (Newsweek reported) “channeling what remains of his star power into popularizing pro-Russian narratives and making unevidenced claims about the war.”
If he ever truly was a Hollywood star, Mr. Seagal has fallen into a black hole.
And thus, Steven Seagal is our chuckle of the week, along with our choice for April Fool next Saturday.
Robert Eringer is a longtime Montecito author with vast experience in investigative journalism. He welcomes questions or comments at firstname.lastname@example.org.