Larry Sleep
The author is a retired sales executive who resides in Goleta.
Hasbro recently unveiled a new version of Monopoly called “Ms. Monopoly.” This modified version pays female players $240 when they pass “Go” versus the $200 guys get. It’s about time “women make more than men,” as the company puts it. Take that, patriarchy!
I guess it’s also time to announce that I’ve developed another knock-off version of Monopoly — one that’s sure to be the favorite of 42 million residents of the Golden State. I’m calling it, “Cali-nopoly.”
The board is green (of course) and features pieces moving backward instead of forward. It’s been redesigned to depict a freeway with graffiti, litter, potholes and earthquake cracks in the pavement. To simulate the world’s worst traffic, each player is required to wait 10 minutes prior to taking their turn.
The player pieces include a syringe, a vaping pipe, a Tesla electric car, an Oscar statue, a surfboard and a wine bottle.
Several properties have been appropriately renamed — Park Place to Pelosi Place, and Marvin Gardens to Marijuana Gardens. Oriental Avenue, of course, has been eliminated. “Free Parking” and “Electric Company” also got the ax.
When you wish to add houses to your property, there’s a solar surcharge for each. Hotels are a bit too business-friendly and so have been eliminated in favor of low-income houses. All railroads have been changed to bullet trains — and, yes, when you land on one, you can expect a hefty fine and immediate transport to Bakersfield (which used to be Baltic Avenue).
A sample of “Chance” cards include: “Poop pickup fees increasing in San Francisco, pay $500,” “Leaving California relocation fee, pay exit tax of $5,000,” and “Inmates need new flat-screen TVs, pay $750.” Land on Income or Luxury Taxes, and you’ll pay a fine based on what you have in your cash kitty.
I think players will find Cali-nopoly as slick as Gavin Newsom’s hair. Yes, many players will feel overtaxed after a game or two, but others are going to love it because they can get it for free.
Hey bro, it’s your move!
