These are my annual psychic predictions for the New Year in the tradition of the very best supermarket tabloids. Enjoy!
Santa Barbara County Supervisor Greg Hart will miss being the chairman of the board of supervisors because he will no longer lead the weekly press conferences, which featured him praising and parroting whatever the governor would want him to say about the coronavirus shutdown. Nonetheless, he will entertain himself by binge watching reruns of the press conferences.
Newly retired Supervisor Peter Adam will finally confess to the world that he wasn’t primarily all that concerned about our maintenance deficit, as much as he was trying to make the county go bankrupt by way of forcing it to pay its bills. His ulterior motivation? Force the county to be more business-friendly, including as it affects the oil industry and property rights in order to stay afloat.
Unfortunately, however, he eventually got outplayed by Supervisors Das Williams and Steve Lavagnino, aka the Doobie Brothers, who brought in millions by way of fast tracking the permitting path for marijuana grows, while passively countenancing what appears to be the premature death of the oil industry. Meanwhile, the maintenance deficit continues to grow unabated, as does oil and gas imports from other countries, while California virtue signals about how green it is.
Isla Vista’s Twilight Zone effort to eliminate homeless people camping in a park, by way of replacing their tents with little huts in the same park, will catch on throughout the South County! Santa Barbara Mayor Cathy Murillo will be beside herself because she failed in her initiative to facilitate a similar homeless hut city in a parking lot rather than a park. Who knew the people of the South County loved parking lots more than parks?
District Attorney Joyce Dudley, along with the county’s public defender, will eliminate overcrowding in the jail by ensuring nobody goes to jail. In keeping with the philosophy that there is no such thing as criminals, only victims in need of an intervention.
Disneyland will join countless other companies and move to Texas! Having had enough of Gov. Gavin Newsom’s never-ending shutdown, the Mouse will move its house.
Not to worry, however, because Gov. Newsom will use federal stimulus dollars to buy the park while repurposing the same.
The new park will be called Coronavirus Land. It’s big ear mascot will be Dr. Fauci. The Haunted Mansion will be redesigned to look like the White House, with President Donald Trump haunting the frightened children of liberals with warnings about socialism, China and Iran, along with various promises to Make America Great Again. How frightening indeed!
One new “Star Wars” show will feature vignettes of various stars warring against American values, such as Miley Cyrus twerking with Santa Claus. The kids will love it.
It’s a Small World will feature old people from throughout the country dying alone from loneliness, because no family members are allowed to visit them, because you can never be too safe, you know.
Star Wars: Rise of the Resistance will feature California politicians battling some of the most renowned scientists in the world who have the temerity to declare that the phenomenon of herd immunity is the key to the long-term survival of the galaxy. Darth Vader, who happens to look a lot like Gavin Newsom, will be the star, of course.
The most popular ride? The Pirates of the Coronavirus, will feature politicians and bureaucrats pillaging and plundering small businesses while distributing billions of dollars in unemployment payments to fellow criminals behind bars. As the saying goes, a good time was had by all.
Andy Caldwell is the executive director of COLAB and the host of “The Andy Caldwell Show” weekdays from 3-5 p.m. on News-Press Radio AM 1290.
