I can feel it when my partner is upset with me. She can be as sweet as honey, doing her thing on the other side of the house, maybe on the other side of the planet, and I can still feel the uncomfortable vibes.
You see, there are no secrets in a relationship, not really.
It’s true for most of us. We can sense when something isn’t quite right, even if you can’t put a finger on exactly what it is. We go through the day just a little off-balance because the person with whom we share our home and heart is disgruntled for some reason.
When the two of you stop talking, you are in trouble. I have seen couples do this dance for years. Silently upset with one another, doing or not doing little things that annoy their partner. The more we internally struggle with dark feelings, the deeper we sink into them.
The answer here is to identify that something is going on and to ask your partner to sit down with you, so the two of you can talk, seriously and with kindness. The conversation could go something like this: “Honey, I feel like you might be upset for some reason. Would you like to talk about it?”
If your partner says, “No, not right now,” then you should ask when would be a good time to talk that day, so you don’t let the negative energy fester. The longer you let it go, the stronger it gets, and it becomes harder to find the words.
Once you agree to discuss the feelings, you should do it face to face in a secluded place, so you are both comfortable sharing what’s going on for you. Give yourselves at least one uninterrupted hour to resolve the issue, but it’s OK if you get it cleared up sooner.
Keeping your hurt or anger inside and trying to make your partner see what you are feeling is a fool’s errand. If you want your partner to know what has raised your ire, speak up! I guarantee you that your mate isn’t psychic enough to read your mind, and at this point, you need to give yourself a little clarity about why your knickers are in a twist and ask yourself if your anger is really worth it.
Walking around your home like two tigers in a cage isn’t going to accomplish anything other than wearing out your carpet. Again, all it takes is a little initiative to start doing something constructive, like talking to your partner.
What you will most likely find is that the issue wasn’t all that big, or that there was a complete misunderstanding. Add a simple apology, try to discover the genesis of the discomfort so it doesn’t happen again, and you’re good to go.
It all starts with honoring what it is you are feeling and having the bravery to bring it up to the one you love so that you can both feel good about each other once again.Barton Goldsmith, Ph.D., is an award-winning psychotherapist and humanitarian. He is also a columnist, the author of eight books and a blogger for PsychologyToday.com with more than 28 million readers. He is available for video consults worldwide. Reach him at email@example.com. His column appears Sundays and Tuesdays in the News-Press.