I got a call around the holidays from a relative I hadn’t heard from in quite a while.
He’s a grown man now, with his own business, and although I was surprised to hear from him, I welcomed the call with an open heart. He said he just wanted to tell me how much he loved me, and I returned the sentiment.
We continued our communication (mostly by text) for the next couple of weeks. Then I got the “I need an angel investor” message, and I honestly thought about it … for about five seconds. It really broke my heart. I decided to make him an offer anyway, but I wanted collateral (a guitar). He “thanked me for my consideration,” and I haven’t heard from him since.
When this stuff happens in families, everyone loses.
The truth is if he had played me for a couple of months, I probably would have given him the money, but he was either not patient or not smart enough. I thought our bloodline was more creative than that, which is yet another disappointment.
I have always been willing to share what I have — never had a problem with that. I’m fortunate, and I know it, and if I can’t help other people with what I’ve created, then what’s the point, right? But when someone tries to hustle me, the walls go up, and the Bank of Dr. Barton is closed forever.
That being said, to quote the wise and wonderful Ben Franklin, “Neither a borrower nor a lender be” may be the best financial advice you will ever get (along with, “Don’t trust stockbrokers” and “Learn how to make your own investments”). You want nothing more than to help your family. But if family members are already in their 40s and they still don’t have their lives together, as long as they are of sound mind and body, it is not your responsibility.
I have made a living fixing broken people and lives, and I know for sure that you can’t help everyone, and not everyone deserves or will accept your help. Assistance, be it emotional or financial, has to be given to the right people in the right way. Otherwise, it becomes a drain on the giver and that person may decide to bequeath a major portion of their wealth to, oh I don’t know, maybe animal rescue (like I did).
When anyone, even a family member, tries to take advantage of you, walk away. Life is too short. You just need to find a few people, who hopefully like some of the things you like, to hang out with every now and then. You don’t need a tribe.
I may start going back to the Renaissance Faire with my lute guitar and reconnecting with my friends who are still role-playing there. I’m sure it’s changed, but it sounds like fun. What did you used to do that brought you joy? Whatever it is, you can do it again. It’s very healing to laugh and play, and it makes your hurts disappear.
I’ve moved on from the toxic part of my “family,” and I treasure the lifelong friends I have made through my work and travels. Sometimes a family of choice is better for you than a family of origin.
Dr. Barton Goldsmith is a psychotherapist in Westlake. He’s the author, most recently, of “100 Ways to Boost Your Self-Confidence — Believe in Yourself and Others Will Too.” Email him at Barton@BartonGoldsmith.com. Follow his daily insights at www.twitter.com/BartonGoldsmith. Reach him at barton@bartongoldsmith.com. His column appears Saturdays and Mondays in the News-Press.
